The face I can’t forget

When does a broken heart stop being broken? How many times does it take for the heart to break and re-break again until it simply can’t break anymore? How long does it take a heart to beat normally again? When does it stop? Any of it? How many terrible, boring or wrong dates does someone endure until they find someone who stops them in their tracks just the same, if not better than the one who came before? How many bad days does it take until they never come again? How do you live in the same town as the person you can’t forget? I’m always searching for that face, whether I’m aware that I am or not. I’m always scanning the crowd and never see it. But, I wasn’t scanning the crowd today and there it was. The face I’ll never forget. With her. Hurt, rage, love, fear, and panic all raced inside of me in a matter of 3 seconds. He stopped and saw me too. Kill me, please.

I wanted this moment for so long. Now that it was here, any words I had rehearsed or thought I’d say all fell to the floor with my poor, barely beating, bloody heart that just wanted to die right there where it lay. Seriously.  I didn’t even have my hair done.

I calmly (on the outside) found the nearest aisle to duck into and went to my car to cry in private.

Where’s the Hallmark movie crew when you need them? This scene desperately needed a rewrite.

What am I supposed to do with that? With any of it? How does it ever really get better? There are plenty of good days, but the feelings never actually go anywhere. They just live dormant on the inside of me because that’s all I can do. I can’t act on them. I can’t do a damn thing about it except let it be and take it to God every time it hurts or every time I can’t quit thinking about him. How can a heart just stop wanting who it wants despite the beating and the B.S. it’s sustained? How do you tell your heart that what it wants doesn’t want you? It’s a tragic and simply sad reality.

What can I do? Find someone new?

There is a guy at work who I enjoy and who lightens my spirit when I’m around him. He’s the only guy that’s made me forget the face I can’t forget. Did I mention he has a girlfriend or maybe even fiancé now? What kind of sick and twisted game is that? It’s not as easy as finding someone new or someone who makes you forget the unforgettable. It’s just not. The reality is, or my reality is that any guy I’ve met makes me feel absolutely nothing and makes me think even more about who I shouldn’t be thinking about. Oh, except for the guy at work…who is taken. He makes me smile and laugh and I’ve started to care about him. As much as I can hope it could work, it won’t. He’s taken and probably has never given me a second thought. Except for when he gave me chocolates for Christmas. But beside that, I’m basically a field mouse. Kind of cute to look at but really, just unwanted.

In my ideal world, I’d be happily married to the stupid but beautiful face I can’t forget, and I’d never have any need to ever find someone new, but here in the real world, my ideal isn’t happening.

So, when does it end? Is this a cross I’ll bear the rest of my life? There are worse crosses, I guess. But, in the meantime—what am I supposed to do?

But still…

I did it. I put in my notice at work. It’s a three-week notice instead of two-week, but it’s still taking action on my intention to leave. It felt good handing it in. It’s amazing to me that anyone could be surprised that I want to leave. I’m in one of the world’s most boring jobs with no growth potential nor any learning or developing of my natural talents or even new ones. I’ve been overlooked for nearly two years while I worked hard to accomplish…to accomplish what? My hard work was noticed once and again but never rewarded or truly recognized. Aside from forming meaningful, fun, friendly connections with some of my coworkers (which I know is a blessing and the main reason I am there) and trying to be a source of hope and encouragement, what did I really gain, career wise by being there and working as hard as I did?

Before Easter, I applied for a job in the only department on my floor that I have any interest in at all. The department is geared more for me. They create and implement all the learning and development for the company such as course materials and trainings. It was the only department my supervisor knew I wanted to be in. Fast forward a month or two later and the job was posted. I did a little research into the role and wrote a pro and con list and knew I wanted to go for it. Was it a dream job material for me? No, but it was a good next step if I was going to stay in the company. It was work I could do and work that would stretch me and even energize me a little bit. Plus, I know most of the people in the department and I like them. I applied, and my friend recommended me to the head recruiter and I felt like a had a real chance. Then I realized my supervisor, who knew I wanted to be in that department, also applied. I had the sinking feeling that I knew where this was going.

I did get a phone interview, but that is the standard courtesy, if you will, to give all internal candidates, so it wasn’t really based on me at all. I felt it went well, but afterward, I wasn’t sure I wanted it. It was intense and a lot of work. I’m not afraid of hard work, but it just seemed like a lot. But, if offered, who knows…I may have taken it. I may have not. I wasn’t given an in-person interview, by the way. In the meantime, some distasteful things were happening within my department and I felt the desperate internal stirring that I needed out. If I didn’t get the new position then I was leaving. I’m not growing, only staying stagnant and I just needed out of all the strife and nonsense.

Fast forward to yesterday. The day I chose to give my resignation. I was nervous, though, I shouldn’t have been. I’m and adult who can make this decision and steer my life in a new direction. But still, I was nervous. After waiting most of the day, I found the moment of bravery and asked to talk to my supervisor. I handed over my letter and explained, in so many words, that it’s time for me to move on. Blah, blah, blah. I felt a weight lifted off of me. I felt like I had finally taken action. I felt good.

Then…then, it was confirmed that yes, indeed, my supervisor was offered the position I wanted. It had just happened right before we talked. My supervisor was cherry-picked for the position, and I know it really is the better choice for my department and probably for upper management, I’m sure. But still… I mean, come on. Come on. I have put in nearly two years of hard work, loyal work and for what? To be passed over for the opportunity to grow and to advance into a more suitable department for me only to accommodate the laundry list of issues surrounding my supervisor. Really? I had a feeling of where this was going and in the big-picture of things was okay with it. So, I did not expect to be filled with so much anger and resentment when I finally knew the outcome, but I was.

I may be wrong and I may be shortsighted, but I think I’ve been shown that a hard work ethic, a desire to challenge poor leadership, and a general likability among coworkers is not at all rewarded. Okay. Fine. I was leaving anyway. Now, I’m more excited and more determined to leave. I have no future there and it’s been proven to me. It’s been shown who is among the more favorable employees and who, no matter what they can and do bring to the table, is not. Fine.  It’s like God is pushing me toward the door. Actually, I know he is.

I know my future with God and where he is leading is way more exciting than anything I could do there, and that I’m on the right path by leaving. I know that. That is the truth. But still… as much as I’ve tried to regain perspective, I cannot help but feel passed over and under-valued.  And it stings. I’ve had more than enough of that in my life.

To end on a good note, I need to recognize that all of this, no matter how unfair and hard to swallow, is really a good thing (and I will need to keep reminding myself of that for a while).

It’s a good thing because I’m getting ready to take the next step…whatever it may be.

Let’s just say it’s low-blood sugar

I’m trying to be open and share vulnerably. If I’m ever going to be a ‘real’ writer, then I should probably get used to doing this.

I’m struggling to not be lonely today. I have an empty house and all the quiet and free time and space I want. Usually, I’d be thrilled. Most days, I’m perfectly content with this kind of freedom because it seldom comes, and I love when it does. However, today, my wide-open day for one has me feeling lonely for companionship. Just one other person to connect with, laugh with, enjoy this day with. It makes me sad to think how hard that is to come by and how much harder it’s getting. Don’t get me wrong, when I’m around too many people I do get overwhelmed easily, so these kinds of days are a nice respite. I don’t know why loneliness decided to rear its stupid head. I’m lucky in a way, because most days I love a lot of quiet, down time. Most days, I relish the idea of alone time and it’s a good thing because I tend to have too much of it. But today…what is it about today? It’s not a ‘special’ day and there’s no ‘special’ memories attached to it. I was up early and done with all my errands by 11:30am. I’m waiting for my lunch of chicken fries and sweet potato fries to be done so I can eat. Maybe once my blood sugar raises, I’ll feel less lonely? That could be a symptom of hunger, right? I still have a few things to do around the house, and I’m grateful to have the time, but as I think about the rest of the day, I just see a hole of aloneness…not solitude. There’s a difference. It’s not about going out and being around people. I did that today. I guess I feel like I’m just missing something I don’t have. Like I’m missing out on a piece of life I want but don’t have…but get to watch a lot of other people have. More specially, I also hate to admit how much I do want the blessing (or hindrance, I don’t know) of a husband. I do not want to be married right now, but I think it would be cool to see that kind of possibility in someone or just to be enjoying the person. Part of me really does believe I’m fine on my own. Sure, I have lonely days and always will, but that’s normal. As much as I think I would be content on my own, there’s this other part that won’t shut up. I hate that part. It’s a perfectly normal thing to want ones’ other half, so to speak, so I’m not too sure why I hate that I want it. Maybe because pretending to hate it or deny it is somehow easier than admitting loneliness and my human weakness…haha. Or possibly, just because I want it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. We don’t always get what we want. I have tried to pray this desire away for years and guess what…still here. So, maybe it’s all waiting for me. And that’s great. I’m excited for that. It would be cool if it was waiting for me around the corner…hopefully it’s around the next few corners and not still a giant corn maze away. We’ll see. Whatever. It’s fine. I’m fine. I just have to push through this nagging, momentary jerk of an emotion. And eat my lunch. Yeah that’s it. Now that I’ve awkwardly shared all of this I’m pretty sure this is a low-blood sugar thing 😝

(UPDATE: Now that I’ve eaten AND written all this out, I do feel better. I think I need a nap or some Parks and Rec to re-calibrate myself.)

Tomorrow is Monday

Tomorrow is Monday. I don’t’ want to dread that, but I am. I want to get to a point in my life where Monday’s naturally incite joy and not weariness. I think I’m on my way to getting there. I’m on my way to grasping and understanding the value of my own thoughts and words. Our thoughts and words hold power. They have the power to help us get in the right frame of mind or the wrong frame of mind. For me, often, I tend to naturally form the wrong frame of mind. I do have my moments of pure optimism and positivity, but they seem to be too far and in-between anymore.

No matter how I feel or what any given situation looks like, the reality is, God is at work whether I feel it or not. He is moving in ways I will thank Him for later. Or thank Him for now. He’s moving pieces around for my good. Pieces I can’t see. Some pieces I can see. I’m getting to a point where I don’t have to talk myself into believing it anymore, because I do believe it. Thinking the right kind of thoughts and believing that God’s hand is at work in my life doesn’t always make the in-between times easier, but I think it can if I allow it to.

I have hopes and dreams for my future Mondays that don’t involve a cubicle, a corporate job, or dread. I hope to write a book or maybe two. I want to create a space where I can not only become creatively and financially satisfied and successful, but I want to reach the heart and soul of people as well. I hope to inspire, to empathize, to encourage. I hope to make people laugh and make people think. I hope to relay messages that showcase Jesus and grace and goodness. I hope to work in music. I hope to one day write a song or two or three or as many as I can. I hope those songs will be heard and enjoyed. I hope to travel to here and I hope to travel to there. I hope to see the Eiffel Tower sparkle at night. And when I come home, I hope to own a little piece of land to live on with a few baby goats, dogs, and cats where I can’t hear my neighbors and can barely see them.

Tomorrow is Monday. Will I let these hopeful thoughts and dreams die their natural death because I am not actually living them, or will I let these hopes fuel me, knowing I’m one day closer to them—or to whatever God has in store for me?

Journey to Meaning: Day 1

I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do.” John 17:4

Jesus spoke these words to God the night before He was killed. Reading them struck me in the heart. And in my soul. And in my spirit. I want to be able to say these words to God when I’m near the end of my life. I want to know, yes, I completed the work God gave me to do. So far, I have not come close to fulfilling the dreams, desires, and passions that God has placed on my heart. Not even close. It’s a heavy weight on my entire being-my mind, body and soul knowing this.

If I die tomorrow, I’d die with a heart full of sadness and regret that I wasted my time.  I have spent so much time doing things and working in jobs that don’t align with my heart or my spirit. I have spent so much time doing monotonous, soul-draining jobs that don’t feed my soul or anyone else’s for that matter. I’m not okay with that. I’m incredibly saddened by it. It can be a hopeless place to be–knowing I spend so much of my time doing work that is not meant for me. I have words and ideas and dreams and worlds inside me that want to come out. That want to be expressed. That are crying to come to life. I want to say to God one day, without question, that I completed the work He gave me to do.

Scanning thousands of papers a week is NOT what He’s given me to do…at least long term. I don’t use my brain. I don’t really think. I don’t use my creativity or my imagination. I simply rotate, much like a robot, between one task or another every day. One day looks just like the one before it and the one tomorrow.  I need more.  Has my current job served its purpose? Yes, I believe it has. I needed full-time employment and more money. It has given me a place to go and a purpose for each day in a time when I just needed to put one foot in front of the other. It’s given me some great coworkers, some who have become friends, that I get to see more than my family. It’s also turned out to be one of the unhealthiest environments I’ve ever worked in. I dread getting up every morning to go into work and then I dread going to bed because I know I have to get up and go through the cycle again the next day; until Friday.  Oh, Friday.  What a glorious day Friday is; especially at 4:30pm when I can forget about all of the anxiety and nagging feeling that I’m wasting my life and breathe again.  I have been getting more migraines than is usual for me to get. Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I cry again. The job itself is not for me. But the environment has corroded. It was slow to start and has gained speed.  It’s increasingly unhealthy and I’m done trying to emit any form of positivity or light into it. I don’t have any more energy to try to care about making it a better place to be. I’m simply done.

I’m tired of work that is not for me. I’m tired of work that a well-trained monkey could perform without any issues. I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed and under-valued. I’m tired of hostility and secrets and whispering. I’m tired of power trips and laziness. I’m tired of arrogance and sadness. I’m just tired of it. I’ve learned I have limited energy. I think to some degree, we all do, but my personality seems to have less than most—or maybe I just need to align with what God has for me and my energy levels will balance out again. I don’t know. But, I do know I’m tired of burning my energy trying to force myself through a day where I don’t feel I matter or what I do matters. I’m tired of coming home and being so exhausted from running a race that isn’t mine to run and having no energy or motivation left over to do something fun or meaningful or exciting. I crave quiet. I crave peace. I crave solitude. My world feels so overrun with static and noise that makes me unhappy and unfulfilled that I just want to come home and shut it off. Some days, I don’t have the energy to really live my life…but just to exist in it. I burn out far too easily any more. That’s not what I want. I don’t think it’s what God wants either.

It’s time to change it up. It’s time to really do some future-minded thinking and make some changes that will open my world instead making me want to shut it off.

I’m starting this blog as a small step in the right direction as an attempt to jumpstart the girl inside me who just wants some meaning and purpose and enjoyment in her daily life again. I hope you enjoy…