(I know that’s not a great picture, but it’s the best one I have taken with a bad phone camera and limited view.)
I went to see Thirty Seconds to Mars last night. It’s my second time. I saw them last summer and luckily, they came to Pittsburgh again last night. I loved it. I loved watching Jared Leto dance around, sometimes while twirling the American flag, wearing yellow rain gear and looking like a fisherman. His unique brand of whimsy makes me smile so much. I smiled a lot. Big smiles. Genuine smiles. Smiles that made my face shine. Smiles that weren’t covering up anything. I sang my heart out with him. I sang to some of my favorite songs of theirs and forcefully sang some lyrics that spoke to a place deep inside of me that needs freedom and healing. Music can be so healing, so heart-opening, so cleansing.
It was a night; a moment, that while I was living it, I knew I would miss immediately when it was over. I was very much present and, in the moment, (which doesn’t happen too often), but I had fleeting thoughts of knowing I would soon miss those very moments and how I felt in them.
Oddly, I learned/realized a few things last night. I didn’t go looking to learn anything, but here they are…
- I desperately need more moments where I feel alive. I don’t mean moments where I’m breathing and I’m aware that I’m breathing. I’m talking about moments where I’m fully engaged with life and I’m so happy to be alive because being alive is better than I ever imagined it would be. Last night was one such moment. I don’t have these ‘alive’ moments or encounters often. It’s sad really. Life is hard and can be mundane and stagnant. It can hurt and make you just survive and forget about ‘living’. I was thrilled to be alive last night and get to experience one of my favorite bands and all around whimsical and wacky character, Jared Leto. I’m incredibly grateful for that. I’m also incredibly sad that I don’t have more moments that thrill me. That shake me-in a good way. Moments that make me so happy and full of joy that I can’t imagine anything else.
- Life is meant to be ENJOYED and LIVED. This kind of piggy backs on my first point but is also in need of its own point. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Life is meant to be lived. As I said, it’s also hard and can hurt and blah, blah, blah, but I’m so sick to death of all of that. I want to enjoy living. Enjoying the day to day little moments in life is important and good, but I’m talking the ‘big stuff’. I want the ‘big stuff’. Or just some more moments of singing my heart out and dancing unabashedly along with one of my favorite musicians. I want to have a dance party with him.
- While introducing their newest song, “Rescue Me”, Jared talked about things like anxiety and depression and all the other mental or emotional pains we all endure. He was adamant about removing the stigma and shame attached to these things. It was a moment that resonated with me. It was a sweet moment as he brought up as many little kids on stage that would fit and had them dance with him as he sang. I choked up. No, I don’t know Jared and he doesn’t know me, but for one moment he was saying to me (and others) that he hears me and sees me. That he cares. And that he too, has felt it. In its own way, it was a powerful moment. I’ve been struggling the past week or two in every way possible. Mentally, emotionally and now physically with a cold that thanks to last night may be getting worse (but so worth it). It was powerful to just realize I’m not alone in any of the pain or struggle I feel or may put myself through. Go ahead and watch the video.
- I would have Jared Leto’s children if he wanted me to. And who wouldn’t, right? He’s a few years shy of 50, but who cares? Nothing about him says so other than his birth certificate. Not his personality, his face, his body, his whimsy. I’m not really a baby kind of person. My clock doesn’t tick and that’s okay. But seeing him interact so sweetly with those kids and making them comfortable on stage and hearing his compassion toward people and all the pain we all face as individuals and a community did something to me that rarely, if ever, happens. I’m serious…I’m not this “normal” kind of woman who feigns over kids or anything (not that I don’t have kids in my life whom I love), but I’d step up to the plate for him. Extra innings too. Don’t worry. I won’t embark on some kind of well thought out plan to make this happen. Ha! If only, right! I’m simply stating the facts here.
My wonderful night of joy and freedom I had is over. I’m sad. I’m beyond happy that I was able to experience the rainbow of lights-such beautiful lights, the thumping in my chest from the beat of the incredibly loud music (I had to put in an ear plug to save my previously broken ear drum from breaking again), some of my favorite songs-songs that speak to the need in me to live and be free, Jared in a fisherman’s outfit dancing like a child. Love it. Love it all. But, it’s over. I’m back to reality. A reality I need to somehow get moving in the direction of more moments of pure joy and aliveness.
God, help me!