It’s that time of year when the world falls in love, every song you hear seems to say Merry…oh wait. That was last week. Thank you, baby Jesus for being born, but thank you that Christmas is over!
No, now it’s that time of year when one begins the painful, or possibly not so painful, introspective task of self-examination of where they are in life and what did and did not happen during the previous year, and more importantly, what they’d like to see happen in the coming new year. It’s as if we think if we believe enough, hope enough, pray enough, or simply work hard enough that the coming year will be the year to finally unveil what the previous year forgot to drop off.
Then there’s a thing called God’s timing and such. But doesn’t he realize what year he was supposed to deliver the nicely packaged life on a silver platter wrapped in a shiny red ribbon complete with a good guy who may or may not have long hair (he he) and sparkling eyes who won’t trade me in when he gets bored or change his mind at the drop of a dime, but only has eyes for me, and maybe a new kitten to boot? Or a 9-5 kind of job that doesn’t kill the creative spirit inside me but instead cultivates it and feeds it and allows it to live and breathe and play, oh and pays me enough to afford a life of my own. I know there’s gotta be something I can do with some creative elements to it. Even if the whole job isn’t a ‘creative’ job. I just cannot stare at a computer screen all day or scan stacks of papers all day or look at numbers or medical records for 8 hours a day or do other non-creative things all day, every day anymore! Oh and to travel. Oh to travel and explore and not be held back by finances (I’m not even talking about traveling like a rich person; just a regular, normal person) or loneliness and fear of traveling alone.
I’m not sure how it works. I think, at one point, I may have been naive enough to think I knew how it all worked. But I really don’t know how it all works when it comes to life unveiling itself, especially when we put so much pressure on it with all this New Year’s celebration stuff. Or any kind of pressure at all.
Sometimes, it’s hard to truly believe for believing’s sake, but I do believe God has beautiful things ahead for me in life, but I’m done pretending I know what they are or when they’re coming. They could come the day before I die for all I know. Alanis Morisette’s Ironic is playing in my head right now. For all I know 2019 will hold more beauty than I can handle, and I really, really hope it does. Really. I pray it’s true. I’m aware of my cynical tone, but life has its ways, here and there, of making the unnaturally cynical become naturally cynical along its path. I guess the key is to not let all the cynicism, in the superficial attempt at protecting it, root itself too deeply in the heart, or poison the mind or outlook on life too much. What can I say. It’s a work in progress. A deeply personal and ever-changing work in progress.
I think more than the rest, the most imporant gift in 2019 would be getting back to a healthy version of myself. Regular migraines have become chronic migraines mixed with, what I’m assuming to be, pinched neck nerves and a lack of energy have left me feeling like a zombie. A good day; a pain-free day comes once, maybe two or three days a week. Most other days are spent teetering the fine line between okay and one more noise, ray of light, etc is going to make my head explode. I feel like half the person I used to be…only several months ago. Sometimes I feel like less. But, that is a post for another time.
Joking and cynicism aside, 2018 allowed me the chance to write a big chunk of something. It’s not a complete something yet, but it’s getting there. It’s on its way to becoming something more. It’s something I felt God leading me to do and something I long wanted to do and long played around with. It was something I knew in 2017 that I wanted to finally do in 2018 and I did it, mostly, and will continue to work on in 2019.
I also saw some awesome bands/performers in 2018. I saw Chris Tomlin, 30 Seconds to Mars(Jared Leto), Foo Fighters, The Struts, Justin Timberlake…so pretty cool. I had to wear ear plugs for all of them as I’m audibly challeneged and incredibly sensitive to noise levels, but let’s be real. The noise levels at theses shows are dangerously and overwhelmingly way too loud, but for me, I’m unable to be there without ear plugs or I’d probably pass out or something. Luckily, these shows were before migraines ramped up and started attacking me. I wouldn’t be able to attend any of these now, so I’m thankful I was able to go when I did.
Anyway–wrapping up…New Year’s Eve has always filled me with a bit of saddness to say goodbye to another year. I am a little bit sad because it is New Year’s Eve, but not to say goodbye to this year. I’m ready. I so badly want the goodness that I hope 2019 brings.
Here’s to a hopefully much healthier and much happier new year for anyone who may happen to be reading this. (Even if nobody at all…it helps me to get my own thoughts down.)