Let’s just say it’s low-blood sugar

I’m trying to be open and share vulnerably. If I’m ever going to be a ‘real’ writer, then I should probably get used to doing this.

I’m struggling to not be lonely today. I have an empty house and all the quiet and free time and space I want. Usually, I’d be thrilled. Most days, I’m perfectly content with this kind of freedom because it seldom comes, and I love when it does. However, today, my wide-open day for one has me feeling lonely for companionship. Just one other person to connect with, laugh with, enjoy this day with. It makes me sad to think how hard that is to come by and how much harder it’s getting. Don’t get me wrong, when I’m around too many people I do get overwhelmed easily, so these kinds of days are a nice respite. I don’t know why loneliness decided to rear its stupid head. I’m lucky in a way, because most days I love a lot of quiet, down time. Most days, I relish the idea of alone time and it’s a good thing because I tend to have too much of it. But today…what is it about today? It’s not a ‘special’ day and there’s no ‘special’ memories attached to it. I was up early and done with all my errands by 11:30am. I’m waiting for my lunch of chicken fries and sweet potato fries to be done so I can eat. Maybe once my blood sugar raises, I’ll feel less lonely? That could be a symptom of hunger, right? I still have a few things to do around the house, and I’m grateful to have the time, but as I think about the rest of the day, I just see a hole of aloneness…not solitude. There’s a difference. It’s not about going out and being around people. I did that today. I guess I feel like I’m just missing something I don’t have. Like I’m missing out on a piece of life I want but don’t have…but get to watch a lot of other people have. More specially, I also hate to admit how much I do want the blessing (or hindrance, I don’t know) of a husband. I do not want to be married right now, but I think it would be cool to see that kind of possibility in someone or just to be enjoying the person. Part of me really does believe I’m fine on my own. Sure, I have lonely days and always will, but that’s normal. As much as I think I would be content on my own, there’s this other part that won’t shut up. I hate that part. It’s a perfectly normal thing to want ones’ other half, so to speak, so I’m not too sure why I hate that I want it. Maybe because pretending to hate it or deny it is somehow easier than admitting loneliness and my human weakness…haha. Or possibly, just because I want it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. We don’t always get what we want. I have tried to pray this desire away for years and guess what…still here. So, maybe it’s all waiting for me. And that’s great. I’m excited for that. It would be cool if it was waiting for me around the corner…hopefully it’s around the next few corners and not still a giant corn maze away. We’ll see. Whatever. It’s fine. I’m fine. I just have to push through this nagging, momentary jerk of an emotion. And eat my lunch. Yeah that’s it. Now that I’ve awkwardly shared all of this I’m pretty sure this is a low-blood sugar thing 😝

(UPDATE: Now that I’ve eaten AND written all this out, I do feel better. I think I need a nap or some Parks and Rec to re-calibrate myself.)

Tomorrow is Monday

Tomorrow is Monday. I don’t’ want to dread that, but I am. I want to get to a point in my life where Monday’s naturally incite joy and not weariness. I think I’m on my way to getting there. I’m on my way to grasping and understanding the value of my own thoughts and words. Our thoughts and words hold power. They have the power to help us get in the right frame of mind or the wrong frame of mind. For me, often, I tend to naturally form the wrong frame of mind. I do have my moments of pure optimism and positivity, but they seem to be too far and in-between anymore.

No matter how I feel or what any given situation looks like, the reality is, God is at work whether I feel it or not. He is moving in ways I will thank Him for later. Or thank Him for now. He’s moving pieces around for my good. Pieces I can’t see. Some pieces I can see. I’m getting to a point where I don’t have to talk myself into believing it anymore, because I do believe it. Thinking the right kind of thoughts and believing that God’s hand is at work in my life doesn’t always make the in-between times easier, but I think it can if I allow it to.

I have hopes and dreams for my future Mondays that don’t involve a cubicle, a corporate job, or dread. I hope to write a book or maybe two. I want to create a space where I can not only become creatively and financially satisfied and successful, but I want to reach the heart and soul of people as well. I hope to inspire, to empathize, to encourage. I hope to make people laugh and make people think. I hope to relay messages that showcase Jesus and grace and goodness. I hope to work in music. I hope to one day write a song or two or three or as many as I can. I hope those songs will be heard and enjoyed. I hope to travel to here and I hope to travel to there. I hope to see the Eiffel Tower sparkle at night. And when I come home, I hope to own a little piece of land to live on with a few baby goats, dogs, and cats where I can’t hear my neighbors and can barely see them.

Tomorrow is Monday. Will I let these hopeful thoughts and dreams die their natural death because I am not actually living them, or will I let these hopes fuel me, knowing I’m one day closer to them—or to whatever God has in store for me?

Journey to Meaning: Day 1

I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do.” John 17:4

Jesus spoke these words to God the night before He was killed. Reading them struck me in the heart. And in my soul. And in my spirit. I want to be able to say these words to God when I’m near the end of my life. I want to know, yes, I completed the work God gave me to do. So far, I have not come close to fulfilling the dreams, desires, and passions that God has placed on my heart. Not even close. It’s a heavy weight on my entire being-my mind, body and soul knowing this.

If I die tomorrow, I’d die with a heart full of sadness and regret that I wasted my time.  I have spent so much time doing things and working in jobs that don’t align with my heart or my spirit. I have spent so much time doing monotonous, soul-draining jobs that don’t feed my soul or anyone else’s for that matter. I’m not okay with that. I’m incredibly saddened by it. It can be a hopeless place to be–knowing I spend so much of my time doing work that is not meant for me. I have words and ideas and dreams and worlds inside me that want to come out. That want to be expressed. That are crying to come to life. I want to say to God one day, without question, that I completed the work He gave me to do.

Scanning thousands of papers a week is NOT what He’s given me to do…at least long term. I don’t use my brain. I don’t really think. I don’t use my creativity or my imagination. I simply rotate, much like a robot, between one task or another every day. One day looks just like the one before it and the one tomorrow.  I need more.  Has my current job served its purpose? Yes, I believe it has. I needed full-time employment and more money. It has given me a place to go and a purpose for each day in a time when I just needed to put one foot in front of the other. It’s given me some great coworkers, some who have become friends, that I get to see more than my family. It’s also turned out to be one of the unhealthiest environments I’ve ever worked in. I dread getting up every morning to go into work and then I dread going to bed because I know I have to get up and go through the cycle again the next day; until Friday.  Oh, Friday.  What a glorious day Friday is; especially at 4:30pm when I can forget about all of the anxiety and nagging feeling that I’m wasting my life and breathe again.  I have been getting more migraines than is usual for me to get. Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I cry again. The job itself is not for me. But the environment has corroded. It was slow to start and has gained speed.  It’s increasingly unhealthy and I’m done trying to emit any form of positivity or light into it. I don’t have any more energy to try to care about making it a better place to be. I’m simply done.

I’m tired of work that is not for me. I’m tired of work that a well-trained monkey could perform without any issues. I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed and under-valued. I’m tired of hostility and secrets and whispering. I’m tired of power trips and laziness. I’m tired of arrogance and sadness. I’m just tired of it. I’ve learned I have limited energy. I think to some degree, we all do, but my personality seems to have less than most—or maybe I just need to align with what God has for me and my energy levels will balance out again. I don’t know. But, I do know I’m tired of burning my energy trying to force myself through a day where I don’t feel I matter or what I do matters. I’m tired of coming home and being so exhausted from running a race that isn’t mine to run and having no energy or motivation left over to do something fun or meaningful or exciting. I crave quiet. I crave peace. I crave solitude. My world feels so overrun with static and noise that makes me unhappy and unfulfilled that I just want to come home and shut it off. Some days, I don’t have the energy to really live my life…but just to exist in it. I burn out far too easily any more. That’s not what I want. I don’t think it’s what God wants either.

It’s time to change it up. It’s time to really do some future-minded thinking and make some changes that will open my world instead making me want to shut it off.

I’m starting this blog as a small step in the right direction as an attempt to jumpstart the girl inside me who just wants some meaning and purpose and enjoyment in her daily life again. I hope you enjoy…