Journey to Meaning: Day 1

I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do.” John 17:4

Jesus spoke these words to God the night before He was killed. Reading them struck me in the heart. And in my soul. And in my spirit. I want to be able to say these words to God when I’m near the end of my life. I want to know, yes, I completed the work God gave me to do. So far, I have not come close to fulfilling the dreams, desires, and passions that God has placed on my heart. Not even close. It’s a heavy weight on my entire being-my mind, body and soul knowing this.

If I die tomorrow, I’d die with a heart full of sadness and regret that I wasted my time.  I have spent so much time doing things and working in jobs that don’t align with my heart or my spirit. I have spent so much time doing monotonous, soul-draining jobs that don’t feed my soul or anyone else’s for that matter. I’m not okay with that. I’m incredibly saddened by it. It can be a hopeless place to be–knowing I spend so much of my time doing work that is not meant for me. I have words and ideas and dreams and worlds inside me that want to come out. That want to be expressed. That are crying to come to life. I want to say to God one day, without question, that I completed the work He gave me to do.

Scanning thousands of papers a week is NOT what He’s given me to do…at least long term. I don’t use my brain. I don’t really think. I don’t use my creativity or my imagination. I simply rotate, much like a robot, between one task or another every day. One day looks just like the one before it and the one tomorrow.  I need more.  Has my current job served its purpose? Yes, I believe it has. I needed full-time employment and more money. It has given me a place to go and a purpose for each day in a time when I just needed to put one foot in front of the other. It’s given me some great coworkers, some who have become friends, that I get to see more than my family. It’s also turned out to be one of the unhealthiest environments I’ve ever worked in. I dread getting up every morning to go into work and then I dread going to bed because I know I have to get up and go through the cycle again the next day; until Friday.  Oh, Friday.  What a glorious day Friday is; especially at 4:30pm when I can forget about all of the anxiety and nagging feeling that I’m wasting my life and breathe again.  I have been getting more migraines than is usual for me to get. Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I cry again. The job itself is not for me. But the environment has corroded. It was slow to start and has gained speed.  It’s increasingly unhealthy and I’m done trying to emit any form of positivity or light into it. I don’t have any more energy to try to care about making it a better place to be. I’m simply done.

I’m tired of work that is not for me. I’m tired of work that a well-trained monkey could perform without any issues. I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed and under-valued. I’m tired of hostility and secrets and whispering. I’m tired of power trips and laziness. I’m tired of arrogance and sadness. I’m just tired of it. I’ve learned I have limited energy. I think to some degree, we all do, but my personality seems to have less than most—or maybe I just need to align with what God has for me and my energy levels will balance out again. I don’t know. But, I do know I’m tired of burning my energy trying to force myself through a day where I don’t feel I matter or what I do matters. I’m tired of coming home and being so exhausted from running a race that isn’t mine to run and having no energy or motivation left over to do something fun or meaningful or exciting. I crave quiet. I crave peace. I crave solitude. My world feels so overrun with static and noise that makes me unhappy and unfulfilled that I just want to come home and shut it off. Some days, I don’t have the energy to really live my life…but just to exist in it. I burn out far too easily any more. That’s not what I want. I don’t think it’s what God wants either.

It’s time to change it up. It’s time to really do some future-minded thinking and make some changes that will open my world instead making me want to shut it off.

I’m starting this blog as a small step in the right direction as an attempt to jumpstart the girl inside me who just wants some meaning and purpose and enjoyment in her daily life again. I hope you enjoy…

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