I’m trying to be open and share vulnerably. If I’m ever going to be a ‘real’ writer, then I should probably get used to doing this.
I’m struggling to not be lonely today. I have an empty house and all the quiet and free time and space I want. Usually, I’d be thrilled. Most days, I’m perfectly content with this kind of freedom because it seldom comes, and I love when it does. However, today, my wide-open day for one has me feeling lonely for companionship. Just one other person to connect with, laugh with, enjoy this day with. It makes me sad to think how hard that is to come by and how much harder it’s getting. Don’t get me wrong, when I’m around too many people I do get overwhelmed easily, so these kinds of days are a nice respite. I don’t know why loneliness decided to rear its stupid head. I’m lucky in a way, because most days I love a lot of quiet, down time. Most days, I relish the idea of alone time and it’s a good thing because I tend to have too much of it. But today…what is it about today? It’s not a ‘special’ day and there’s no ‘special’ memories attached to it. I was up early and done with all my errands by 11:30am. I’m waiting for my lunch of chicken fries and sweet potato fries to be done so I can eat. Maybe once my blood sugar raises, I’ll feel less lonely? That could be a symptom of hunger, right? I still have a few things to do around the house, and I’m grateful to have the time, but as I think about the rest of the day, I just see a hole of aloneness…not solitude. There’s a difference. It’s not about going out and being around people. I did that today. I guess I feel like I’m just missing something I don’t have. Like I’m missing out on a piece of life I want but don’t have…but get to watch a lot of other people have. More specially, I also hate to admit how much I do want the blessing (or hindrance, I don’t know) of a husband. I do not want to be married right now, but I think it would be cool to see that kind of possibility in someone or just to be enjoying the person. Part of me really does believe I’m fine on my own. Sure, I have lonely days and always will, but that’s normal. As much as I think I would be content on my own, there’s this other part that won’t shut up. I hate that part. It’s a perfectly normal thing to want ones’ other half, so to speak, so I’m not too sure why I hate that I want it. Maybe because pretending to hate it or deny it is somehow easier than admitting loneliness and my human weakness…haha. Or possibly, just because I want it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. We don’t always get what we want. I have tried to pray this desire away for years and guess what…still here. So, maybe it’s all waiting for me. And that’s great. I’m excited for that. It would be cool if it was waiting for me around the corner…hopefully it’s around the next few corners and not still a giant corn maze away. We’ll see. Whatever. It’s fine. I’m fine. I just have to push through this nagging, momentary jerk of an emotion. And eat my lunch. Yeah that’s it. Now that I’ve awkwardly shared all of this I’m pretty sure this is a low-blood sugar thing 😝
(UPDATE: Now that I’ve eaten AND written all this out, I do feel better. I think I need a nap or some Parks and Rec to re-calibrate myself.)