The truth is…

Well, it’s unofficially official. Summer is here. The unofficial start has come. It’s hot, humid, and beautiful. Boaters are boating. Families are camping. Couples are enjoying anything…it doesn’t really matter. Kids are laughing and playing. Dogs are running. Cats are purring. The days are long and hot. The nights are lazy and full of hope. The kind of hope that makes you believe the moon is hanging on your every word and anything is possible.

It’s only the beginning of my favorite season, so please excuse me my impatience, but I am not doing any of that. And I have all the time in the world to be doing it, too. Funny how life works, isn’t it? It seems to be that if we have the money then we don’t have the time. If we don’t have the time, then we probably have the money. Well, I have some of both and yet, here I am. Alone. It doesn’t ever really matter to me what I’m doing, it’s who I’m doing it with. Most anything can be fun or exciting or full of hope if it’s spent with someone you enjoy.

Truth is, I feel lonely and caught in a cycle of aloneness that, much like a hamster wheel, keeps going around and round and round. I don’t know what to do to. I try to get out, but the wheel catches my ankle and round and round I go again. I really do have a lot to be grateful for and even be hopeful about. But the fact remains that I don’t have that one person or two to share my life with. Yes, it would be great to have that in the romantical sense, but I’d be happy with the simple companionship of a close friend. I have friends, but they have actual lives and families that fill up their days. And that’s okay. I just wish I did too. I’m the single woman who can’t quite find a home…so to say.

It can make me sad. I have more time on my hands now that I’m not at work, even though I do have plans to be productive. Today was only the first day, aside from the long weekend, that I’ve been off (so again, bear with me about my impatience). It was a little bit weird. I miss interacting with so many of the people. I miss saying hi and hearing about their weekends. I miss laughing. I miss seeing a friendly face as I get my first cup of coffee in the morning.  I just miss them.  Some of them I really miss.  Do I miss my job? HA-not a chance. I’m on the right path for me right now. I just wish I had a buddy or two to pal around with. Part of me gets it, though. I’m not in high school or college anymore. Days spent exploring or just hanging around are over. I get it. But, it makes these long summer days even longer and these nights a little less magical.

I don’t have a significant other or any children. I’m okay with not having children. Luckily, I don’t have to add a ticking biological clock to the list. But, I would love to have the guy. However, I do have a 19-year-old cat and who knows how much longer she’ll be around. I am lonely. I crave human intimacy. I crave connection and companionship. I really do enjoy alone time and solitude, but too much of it isn’t good.  It leads to feeling lonely for someone to share my time with. Sometimes I’m scared the loneliness will turn into a forever kind of loneliness.

This is how I feel. And it sucks. It’s not fun to feel like I’m being passed by in life or that it’s my fault. It feels like the older I get, the more I seem to disappear. At least that’s what it feels like. I’d say I’m fairly attractive. I tend to make people laugh. I have an adventurous side but am also a homebody. The two sides fight sometimes. I’m a great listener and always try to make somebody feel special. It’s hard to be alone, in any capacity, when I don’t want to be. It’s hard to feel so lonely so much.

This is how I feel. The truth, however, is different.

I’ve learned the truth is that no matter how lonely I feel, God is here to comfort me. He knows how much it hurts. How much I hurt. He knows. He knows sometimes, some days, I feel invisible to the world. But He sees me. He is here. And because he is here, I am not alone, no matter how much it may feel like I am. It’s hard to grasp, because even though God is here with me tonight and all the time, he’s not a physical being and therefore I can’t see him or touch him or have a mutual, two-way human conversation with him. If I look around this room, I am alone; it’s true. But, God is here. He promises that I am never alone because He is always with me. He is working for me right now. Right this second. He is working on my prayers. He is working on the next steps for me. He is working on providing me with what I need. He is working. All day, every day. All night, every night. He never sleeps. He never gives up. He never gets tired. He loves me more than I can imagine or even think about. He loves me. He is here with me, right now, as I type this. He is here. Sometimes, I wish I could reach out and give him a hug because I could really use one. I just don’t get enough hugs.

Even now, my heart hurts at the reality of that. But, God is with me. He will comfort me and help me. He will provide for me. He will bring me what is mine and give me beauty for all these ashes that keep hanging around. He will. This is what’s true.

Sometimes, it’s hard for me to separate what I’m feeling from what is true. I feel lonely. I feel alone. But, God is with me. He cares so much about me. That is what is true. I do wish I knew when to expect his plans and the answers to my prayers…but, I don’t. And so, I keep waiting.

Sometimes, I feel strong enough in God that I’m okay. Sometimes, I’m not lonely at all.

The face I can’t forget

When does a broken heart stop being broken? How many times does it take for the heart to break and re-break again until it simply can’t break anymore? How long does it take a heart to beat normally again? When does it stop? Any of it? How many terrible, boring or wrong dates does someone endure until they find someone who stops them in their tracks just the same, if not better than the one who came before? How many bad days does it take until they never come again? How do you live in the same town as the person you can’t forget? I’m always searching for that face, whether I’m aware that I am or not. I’m always scanning the crowd and never see it. But, I wasn’t scanning the crowd today and there it was. The face I’ll never forget. With her. Hurt, rage, love, fear, and panic all raced inside of me in a matter of 3 seconds. He stopped and saw me too. Kill me, please.

I wanted this moment for so long. Now that it was here, any words I had rehearsed or thought I’d say all fell to the floor with my poor, barely beating, bloody heart that just wanted to die right there where it lay. Seriously.  I didn’t even have my hair done.

I calmly (on the outside) found the nearest aisle to duck into and went to my car to cry in private.

Where’s the Hallmark movie crew when you need them? This scene desperately needed a rewrite.

What am I supposed to do with that? With any of it? How does it ever really get better? There are plenty of good days, but the feelings never actually go anywhere. They just live dormant on the inside of me because that’s all I can do. I can’t act on them. I can’t do a damn thing about it except let it be and take it to God every time it hurts or every time I can’t quit thinking about him. How can a heart just stop wanting who it wants despite the beating and the B.S. it’s sustained? How do you tell your heart that what it wants doesn’t want you? It’s a tragic and simply sad reality.

What can I do? Find someone new?

There is a guy at work who I enjoy and who lightens my spirit when I’m around him. He’s the only guy that’s made me forget the face I can’t forget. Did I mention he has a girlfriend or maybe even fiancé now? What kind of sick and twisted game is that? It’s not as easy as finding someone new or someone who makes you forget the unforgettable. It’s just not. The reality is, or my reality is that any guy I’ve met makes me feel absolutely nothing and makes me think even more about who I shouldn’t be thinking about. Oh, except for the guy at work…who is taken. He makes me smile and laugh and I’ve started to care about him. As much as I can hope it could work, it won’t. He’s taken and probably has never given me a second thought. Except for when he gave me chocolates for Christmas. But beside that, I’m basically a field mouse. Kind of cute to look at but really, just unwanted.

In my ideal world, I’d be happily married to the stupid but beautiful face I can’t forget, and I’d never have any need to ever find someone new, but here in the real world, my ideal isn’t happening.

So, when does it end? Is this a cross I’ll bear the rest of my life? There are worse crosses, I guess. But, in the meantime—what am I supposed to do?

But still…

I did it. I put in my notice at work. It’s a three-week notice instead of two-week, but it’s still taking action on my intention to leave. It felt good handing it in. It’s amazing to me that anyone could be surprised that I want to leave. I’m in one of the world’s most boring jobs with no growth potential nor any learning or developing of my natural talents or even new ones. I’ve been overlooked for nearly two years while I worked hard to accomplish…to accomplish what? My hard work was noticed once and again but never rewarded or truly recognized. Aside from forming meaningful, fun, friendly connections with some of my coworkers (which I know is a blessing and the main reason I am there) and trying to be a source of hope and encouragement, what did I really gain, career wise by being there and working as hard as I did?

Before Easter, I applied for a job in the only department on my floor that I have any interest in at all. The department is geared more for me. They create and implement all the learning and development for the company such as course materials and trainings. It was the only department my supervisor knew I wanted to be in. Fast forward a month or two later and the job was posted. I did a little research into the role and wrote a pro and con list and knew I wanted to go for it. Was it a dream job material for me? No, but it was a good next step if I was going to stay in the company. It was work I could do and work that would stretch me and even energize me a little bit. Plus, I know most of the people in the department and I like them. I applied, and my friend recommended me to the head recruiter and I felt like a had a real chance. Then I realized my supervisor, who knew I wanted to be in that department, also applied. I had the sinking feeling that I knew where this was going.

I did get a phone interview, but that is the standard courtesy, if you will, to give all internal candidates, so it wasn’t really based on me at all. I felt it went well, but afterward, I wasn’t sure I wanted it. It was intense and a lot of work. I’m not afraid of hard work, but it just seemed like a lot. But, if offered, who knows…I may have taken it. I may have not. I wasn’t given an in-person interview, by the way. In the meantime, some distasteful things were happening within my department and I felt the desperate internal stirring that I needed out. If I didn’t get the new position then I was leaving. I’m not growing, only staying stagnant and I just needed out of all the strife and nonsense.

Fast forward to yesterday. The day I chose to give my resignation. I was nervous, though, I shouldn’t have been. I’m and adult who can make this decision and steer my life in a new direction. But still, I was nervous. After waiting most of the day, I found the moment of bravery and asked to talk to my supervisor. I handed over my letter and explained, in so many words, that it’s time for me to move on. Blah, blah, blah. I felt a weight lifted off of me. I felt like I had finally taken action. I felt good.

Then…then, it was confirmed that yes, indeed, my supervisor was offered the position I wanted. It had just happened right before we talked. My supervisor was cherry-picked for the position, and I know it really is the better choice for my department and probably for upper management, I’m sure. But still… I mean, come on. Come on. I have put in nearly two years of hard work, loyal work and for what? To be passed over for the opportunity to grow and to advance into a more suitable department for me only to accommodate the laundry list of issues surrounding my supervisor. Really? I had a feeling of where this was going and in the big-picture of things was okay with it. So, I did not expect to be filled with so much anger and resentment when I finally knew the outcome, but I was.

I may be wrong and I may be shortsighted, but I think I’ve been shown that a hard work ethic, a desire to challenge poor leadership, and a general likability among coworkers is not at all rewarded. Okay. Fine. I was leaving anyway. Now, I’m more excited and more determined to leave. I have no future there and it’s been proven to me. It’s been shown who is among the more favorable employees and who, no matter what they can and do bring to the table, is not. Fine.  It’s like God is pushing me toward the door. Actually, I know he is.

I know my future with God and where he is leading is way more exciting than anything I could do there, and that I’m on the right path by leaving. I know that. That is the truth. But still… as much as I’ve tried to regain perspective, I cannot help but feel passed over and under-valued.  And it stings. I’ve had more than enough of that in my life.

To end on a good note, I need to recognize that all of this, no matter how unfair and hard to swallow, is really a good thing (and I will need to keep reminding myself of that for a while).

It’s a good thing because I’m getting ready to take the next step…whatever it may be.