The face I can’t forget

When does a broken heart stop being broken? How many times does it take for the heart to break and re-break again until it simply can’t break anymore? How long does it take a heart to beat normally again? When does it stop? Any of it? How many terrible, boring or wrong dates does someone endure until they find someone who stops them in their tracks just the same, if not better than the one who came before? How many bad days does it take until they never come again? How do you live in the same town as the person you can’t forget? I’m always searching for that face, whether I’m aware that I am or not. I’m always scanning the crowd and never see it. But, I wasn’t scanning the crowd today and there it was. The face I’ll never forget. With her. Hurt, rage, love, fear, and panic all raced inside of me in a matter of 3 seconds. He stopped and saw me too. Kill me, please.

I wanted this moment for so long. Now that it was here, any words I had rehearsed or thought I’d say all fell to the floor with my poor, barely beating, bloody heart that just wanted to die right there where it lay. Seriously.  I didn’t even have my hair done.

I calmly (on the outside) found the nearest aisle to duck into and went to my car to cry in private.

Where’s the Hallmark movie crew when you need them? This scene desperately needed a rewrite.

What am I supposed to do with that? With any of it? How does it ever really get better? There are plenty of good days, but the feelings never actually go anywhere. They just live dormant on the inside of me because that’s all I can do. I can’t act on them. I can’t do a damn thing about it except let it be and take it to God every time it hurts or every time I can’t quit thinking about him. How can a heart just stop wanting who it wants despite the beating and the B.S. it’s sustained? How do you tell your heart that what it wants doesn’t want you? It’s a tragic and simply sad reality.

What can I do? Find someone new?

There is a guy at work who I enjoy and who lightens my spirit when I’m around him. He’s the only guy that’s made me forget the face I can’t forget. Did I mention he has a girlfriend or maybe even fiancé now? What kind of sick and twisted game is that? It’s not as easy as finding someone new or someone who makes you forget the unforgettable. It’s just not. The reality is, or my reality is that any guy I’ve met makes me feel absolutely nothing and makes me think even more about who I shouldn’t be thinking about. Oh, except for the guy at work…who is taken. He makes me smile and laugh and I’ve started to care about him. As much as I can hope it could work, it won’t. He’s taken and probably has never given me a second thought. Except for when he gave me chocolates for Christmas. But beside that, I’m basically a field mouse. Kind of cute to look at but really, just unwanted.

In my ideal world, I’d be happily married to the stupid but beautiful face I can’t forget, and I’d never have any need to ever find someone new, but here in the real world, my ideal isn’t happening.

So, when does it end? Is this a cross I’ll bear the rest of my life? There are worse crosses, I guess. But, in the meantime—what am I supposed to do?

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